I HAVE BEEN BACK: for a while... ^^"

howdy doo buckeroos?

well, i've been in america for like over 2 weeks now. back in the land of food and drink!!! *woot woot* all the random posts before this were my attempts at trying to keep up with what was going on with me at that particular moment. right now, this morning, i am in my time of solace. just chillin' and waitin' for the phone call to come, informing me to pick up mi madre from carmax where she is officially pawning my father's vehicle. *nods solemnly*

SO, I have not had any reverse culture shock. Not really, anyhoo. The first thing I did notice when I got back to America is that Americans are huge. Really. Seriously. Big. American portions are also mighty ridiculous. Beyond that, I have been in a state of constant awe since hopping off the airplane at the incredible beauty of America. There's just so much green!!! and BLUE!!! I seriously don't think that I'll ever take the blue skies over America for granted ever again. America is just beautiful. Period.

This past weekend was a G-Splash 留学生 Reunion, of sorts. Kay, my mostest amazingest buddy, came down from Pennsylvania. Diana, most amazingest West Coast-er EVER, flew over to D.C. to tour around the area with her family. Jeannette, hottest b-girl known to mankind, met up with us in D.C. It was amazing. At first I was hesitant, afraid that now that we are all out of Japan, we wouldn't be able to really get along ever again. BUT, boy was I wrong! We just all clicked. It was so natural, as if we were still just milling about the outside of the gym, hanging out, talking about G. As strange as it is to say, G-Splash is the only thing that I'll miss about Japan. When we all got together here on the east coast, most of our time was spent reminiscing about the fantastic-ness that was our cumulative G-Splash experience.

The worst thing about being back in the U.S. is that all I do is eat. Seriously. Food is the one thing central to American culture and I've just spent hours upon hours doing nothing but eating. When Kay first came down on Saturday I ate 4 meals, in one day. Luckily, we walked it out with D-Bang all the way to the Lincoln Memorial, but... 4 meals/one day = GROSSNESS. The next day, the first thing we did when we woke up was order pizza from Papa John's, sit, and veg out in front of the television. Then, we finally took showers and headed out to D.C. to meet with Jeannette at Teaism, and ate some more.

Ahhh... G-Splash, how I wish you were here, keeping me from bloating up like a whale again. *shrugs* It's okay. All I need is a mirror/reflective surface to keep up with my 　自主練.

I need to peace out now. My head's getting all spinny.

- T　

HOUSE ROCKS

*collapses in a dead faint*





*hand reaches out for help*





HI FRIENDS AND FAMILY

I am one of the last UVA-ers here in the Land o' SAMURAI. I am tired out of my mind. I am in desperate need of more time and a decent scale.

So, House practice is officially whooooooooooooopin' my butt. I'm so tired I can barely move my body and the moves are actually all in my head, I just can't get my body to move to it. Extremely frustrating and made worse by the fact that the time in which we're allowed to do independent practice is practically null. I have like nowhere to work out my moves full out, and this is the first time I've ever been driven to do so. There are so few people in House that every person and every move counts.

Tomorrow is Friday, the 1st of August. Campus is closed. Practice should happen elsewhere.

Saturday, 2nd of August. The day before Summer CAMP starts.

-----

Practice will be held at Yasuda Dance Studio, but I don't have to head out there until 5.30pm at Shinjuku. That means I have like 6 hours until I have to move my butt. On my long list of things to do: grab presents for Poppa Bear, Brother Bear, and Baby Brother Bear; a scale for me and my box o' heaviness; t-shirt/clothes from used clothes store; pack; practice for House.

今学期末終了： ワクワク

HI YOOOOOOOOOO~

Well, finals are over, classes are OWARI, and I have almost all the free time in the world. Almost. G-Splash Practice is picking up speed, and I should be practicing at the very moment, but... yeah... XDDD

期末試験： スカット

YA-HOOOOOO!!!

Well, I'm currently watching Woman in the Dunes and drinking a 500mL can of "strong" Chuhai. I can't finish this movie without some form of alcohol in me and it's rather sad... XDDD. I have two finals tomorrow, the middle two finals that I have left. On Friday, it's just one final, but it's the one that promises to be the most difficult.

Life this week has been rather chill for me despite the fact that many of my friends are soon to be vamoosing and I'm likely to never see them again. I really hope that doesn't happen, because just the thought of it kind of hurts.

Between practice and finals, my life has gone to the pots. All I kind really look forward to is that finals will end Friday, and by 8pm Friday night, practice will have run its course and I'll be free to play all weekend until Tuesday, when practice starts up again. Luckily/unluckily, we have all night House practice on Tuesday night until Wednesday morning at about 5am. Mayuki-san also wants to turn our Thursday practice at Nakano into an all nighter, possibly. Oh well. House is rather awesome. The senpai are kind, attentive, and truly willing to help. I've been watching some of the older videos of House and there were either a lot more of us before, or people from other genres randomly join us for our performance. If not, it's only going to be me, Geri, Emi, Jiro, Yuuta, Mayuki, Yukie, Akihiko, Mami, Tomochika, and Sakura up on stage. That means that if any of us messes up... it'll be really super obvious.

The only thing that I can say for sure is that Jishuren works!!! You just really have to commit yourself to it, and the self-practice helps as long as your willing to put forth the effort to improve. This is the first time in my life that I've actually taken independent practice like this seriously. I still feel like a tool most of the time, but I know that my endurance is improving by leaps and bounds and I can literally feel some of the moves becoming more comfortable to my body.

Ewww... okay... the guy in the movie just licked his hand like a poodle while testing out the cleanliness of the water condensed from the sand in the hole he's been tossed into.

I didn't like the book much, the movie really isn't doing it for me either. The only thing that's keeping me semi-focused is the fact that I'm running on a slight buzz and typing this at the same time that the movie is playing.

I can't believe Greg, Natalie, and Jen will be heading home soon. Mia's plans are unclear to me. Sehyun is planning on staying here for a little while longer and traveling around with his sister. Jeanette will be at camp with me.

Gah, 20 minutes until this boring movie is over and I can head to bed. The only thing is that I'll be waking at 5am, studying for my finals, heading to class by 8am, testing until 12.30 pm, 1 hour lunch break, and then modern fiction final from 1.30 until 3pm. Oh yeah, and then I'll do jishuren for 2 hours until 5pm, when House practice runs from 5.00pm until 8.00pm. I could run home and sleep, but either way, I'd have to be back at Sophia byat least 4.30pm or so to really stretch before practice.

Oh yeah, I've taken to watching American dramas on TV, and Supernatural, CSI:Miami, and Bones are all fantastic options. I download Japanese dramas, just like I do in America, so I don't have to deal with ads and all that.

It'll be less than 3 weeks now until I can go home. I miss my family like no other. I think that as soon as finals are over, I'll enjoy House practice 13924891273129x more, because right now, it's just super tiring to go to practice, knowing that I'll be screwed for the next day's preparations and whatnot. I just want to pass my classes. Honestly. I could pull A's if I really cared, but I don't. I'm beyond caring at this point. I just want to pass my classes, play with the G-Splash kids during camp, and then go home to my family.

I forgot my Dad's birthday because I was so wrapped up in my own drama. Seriously. My mom had to call me and remind me of what I'd forgotten. He forgave me, but I know he must've been hurt by me not calling. Oh well. I intend to make him a delicious cake when I get home. I want to cook for my family!!! I want to make them delicious foods and stand around all day around a stove, making sure that the food I make for them is good enough for them to indulge in. I want to hear all the meaningless banter that makes their lives so interesting. I want my family... here, with me, like pronto.

I had a semi-dream today when I was napping. I had a dream that Johnny was there, and he gave me the best hug ever. It was so realistic that I can't wait to go home and just touch my family. That's one thing I think I'll never get used to in Japan. I like being touched and held by my friends and family. When I'm here, unless a guy is trying to snake into my drawers, nobody holds me, nobody hugs me. There's no real comfort touching. Well, D-Bang and Kay and the UVA crew hugs me, but it's because we're all American. I just want to be in friendly arms again and feel well and truly loved... XDDD

Too much to ask for ain't it?

Well, I got my kouhai [by age, not experience] semi-drunk on Friday night. Emi was super cute. Jiro only had one drink so that was rather muri. I did run into a whole bunch of my G-Splash senpai though. Apparently Ikkyuu is the place to be to get tipsy on Friday nights. Hitosu-senpai was seriously wasted. Tonbo-senpai was like the energizer bunny and thus dubbed "power house" by Kaoru-senpai. Kaoru-senpai actually talked to me and though he claimed to be drunk, was actually quite sober by my standards. Oh yeah, and no matter how much I tried to push for it, nobody would tell me their bakuro [secret]. I was rather disappointed by that... yup yup.

MOVIE IS OVER!!! *laughs* I sleep now!!!

Love,

T

AMERICA

<---- okay, that was google'd...

AHOY WORLD!!! It's literally the final full week of classes, and guess how I'm spending the 2nd to last day of kanji class? In a computer lab. Writing this. *grins*

I have less than 3 weeks until I fly back to America and besides the amazing, non-Japanese friends I've made here, I don't think I'll miss Japan much. It has many amazing points, but once you've been here for a while, you quickly realize how it's just like every other country in the world and unfortunately enough, refuses to acknowledge many of its negative points. At least in America, we look around at ourselves and go, "Yeah, damn, we are kind of chubby, huh? Oh well! Bring on the TURKEY!!!" In Japan, all the girls strive to look exactly like the Photoshop'ed models in ads and are in fact succeeding at it, in a very scary, "Man, can I buy you a hamburger?" sort of way. But yeah... ENOUGH WITH MY NO NO RANTS!!!

I'm looking forward to finishing out my last few days here with a BANG.

I have no idea how that'll work, but I do know that I want to spend as much time as possible with my friends here and go out with them constantly. I'm kind of Japan'ed out, so I don't really want to travel. I mean, if my friends want to go somewhere, than I'll come with, but me planning out something intense like heading to Hokkaido or something just won't happen.

House practice officially started yesterday and was awesome! I know I need tons of practice, so I've been gradually acclimating myself to it by listening to House music for hours on end. *laughs* We have practice every week from 5.30 pm until 7.30 pm or so. Most times we stay until 8ish or so and then finally clean up, leaving 30 minutes for people to chill, chat or do some more practice on their own. All of the House-senpai are ridiculously nice and cool. They are also ridiculously patient, which gives me an incredible amount of relief as I know that I'm slow and that my body has a tendency towards the ridiculous.

Man, oh man, I'm having the time of my life adding all of these randomly Japanesey pictures to this entry of mine. EVERYBODY SHOULD DO THE SAME!!! The link is:
http://kids.nifty.com/material/index.htm

Okay, wow, adding pictures took up a lot of time because I had to master the usage and difference of [p] versus [br]. I'm good now. BACK TO LIFE!

I am officially, completely and utterly, totally tabehoudai'ed out.

No more endless amounts of meat and vegetables for me. I need my food in portions now. *smiles* I had yakiniku tabehoudai [all you can eat] with Kay on Sunday at Gut's Soul in Yoyogi for 1980yen. This is an amazing price for the amount of food we ate, that and we ordered the highest class. Prices there range from 1280yen to the 1980yen course. I really wanted to eat Korean kalbi, so that's why we pushed forward with the priciest course. You can also add nomihoudai to it for just another 1020yen. Ridiculous and delicious!

I have 5 minutes before I need to be in front of building 11 to help Kay out. So, here I vamoose off!!! I hope everybody enjoyed the ridiculous pictures. I'll upload all the crap on my laptop soon. I have an amazingly stable internet connection now... so I really have no excuses to be holding back.

Much Love,
T

Not REALLY New, but Interesting Nonetheless

7.05.08

And so, the count down begins. I’m actually still really ridiculously tired even after the nap I had today, so I’m just waiting to be called on down for the final “talk.”

Today I went to see a Noh play with Geri and her friends. James, who’s this wonderfully nice guy from the U.K and is in my class, went too. I also re-met this guy named Pablo, who seems really nice and very funny, and Geri’s other friend, Erica, who actually lives in Chantilly and is from NOVA. I only made it through Kyogen and we left soon after the masks appeared in the Noh play. I was literally about to pass out and though I understood every 5 words or so, I just didn’t want to focus all that hard on being entertained. That’s why I like Japanese dramas, the acting is super good and the Japanese totally makes sense to me.

Well, after we walked out of the National Noh Theatre, I headed on home. I got back using a key, yes, I was left a key, and just chilled on the first floor for a long while, playing on my computer and watching television whilst enjoying the relief being in an air-conditioned room gave me. Meimi arrived home after me, so I got to open the door for her, which is super duper rare/I can’t remember the last time I ever did it, if I did. I took a nap at about 5ish, slept for lil bit, woke up, and now here I am.

I think I just heard my host father get home, and it is night time now. My host mom will probably text me to go downstairs. I’m just super tired, numb, and wanting this to be over.

It’s over. Next day, next round… last night was good at first, but my host mom kept pressing for solid reasons for why I wanted to leave and I couldn’t give them to her. Until she kept pressing and pressing, forcing me into a corner, making me give her a reason she could assent to. Literally, assent to as in [nattoku dekiru]. So, I finally told her about the common sense thing she said to me a month ago and all the comments she’d made to me about Americans, and me being an American [as if that were a bad thing].

I really tried not to hurt her feelings or the feelings of anyone in the house. My intention is to leave without injuring those who have taken care of me all these months. But, as I had apparently twisted her words as I heard them, she too has twisted mine. The official reason she is giving her family for my leave is that I hate her and that she is the original cause of all my strife. Turn about is fair play, but her doing that just makes me want to leave even more quickly. I don’t want to be in a household where I’ve come to be despised, I don’t need to deal with that.

I kept telling her that I liked her and her family, that I’m leaving now in order to walk away with just happy memories, but she couldn’t deal with that. Eventually she just straight up told me that it was a bother [meiwaku] for me to have misinterpreted her words. Her sense of responsibility forced all these scenarios out of her to explain why I might have been uncomfortable such as the fact that she’s a housewife and hasn’t really interacted in the world in a long while [not true because she does have friends and was just playing with them yesterday], or that she’s not selective enough with her words. Fact of the matter is, no matter how pretty you make something sound, the message behind it remains essentially unchanged. I guess, in me saying that, I acknowledge that some part of me hates her, as I am indeed leaving and all. However, I don’t actively hate her. Hating people takes a lot of time and energy out of life.

I kind of got done with hating people at the end of high school. I gave up on hate because as good as it feels to feel morally superior to someone else and whatnot, it’s just a super waste of time that accomplishes nothing. I’m human and all, but I don’t hate. I dislike, everyone does. What I feel towards my host mom has nothing to do with animosity or acrimony, I’m just weary of the entire situation.

I’ll accept this right now; I was probably not built for home stay. Some other people are, those who don’t speak the language well and want to have a base with which to learn and grow from, those who have lived with their families their entire lives and are used to the close-knit interactions that come with that, and those who are much more willing to change their entire lives to suit that of another culture’s.

I think I ought to begin packing. I have lots of stuff and not much time left. The money my parents wired should arrive by Monday. I will be signing the contract Tuesday. The apartment is reserved for my move-in on Wednesday. I have G-Splash practice on Tuesday from 5:45pm to 8 or so. I have class every morning from 9:15 to 12:30. The only thing that makes this week easier is a break from Modern Fiction on Monday. I have to catch up on homework and make sure I don’t fall behind because of this.

Whatever happens… fact of the matter is that I’m out.

One of the major causes of problems from last night’s talk was that my host family was sure that they could convince me to stay and was determined to do so, feeling that it was a sure win for them given enough time and thinking. I came to the talks with the reserve to leave at any and all costs. I admit it, half way through I wanted to change my mind and stay, but that’s what happened before. I’m like an abused wife, kind of, dangle the slightest bit of bait in front of me and the pain that’s been done to me is momentarily forgotten and all I want to do is return to the good times, except there were no good times.

Communication is key. Don’t hold back when someone asks for your opinion. If you have one, say it. Otherwise, you’ll end up like me, a cautionary tale of the bads of homestay.

I need to begin packing a bit now. I’m still waiting for Mia’s phone call. Hopefully, she’ll call me in time for me to escape lunch with the host family.

- T

And thus, here I am, to report the final round of “battle word play” with the Matsumoto family. My host mother has finally assented to letting me leave the house. Our final talk happened tonight, after I got home and was waiting for the shower. I kept trying to go in, but there was always somebody in there for the hour that I tried. That’s when I realized it was really weird and decided to get cracking on my packing. When I went downstairs to check if the shower was available at 9ish or so, my host mom met up with me on the stairs and called me on down to the living room. My host dad was already there.

The conversation went pretty much the same as all the other conversations before, except this time I didn’t even bother to try correcting her or telling her anything. She needed this talk a lot more than I did. She told me I was weak for not sticking it through. My parents did me wrong by not being there for me when I was growing up. I failed to endure/develop through this hard-won chance at home stay. I need to grow up, get a job, and take shit from strangers for 3 years before I’ll get recognized by them.

Well, no… I can say that in a much nicer, much less acrimonious way, and here it is:

One day, you’ll enter into the real world, and it won’t be as nice nor as kind as the life you’ve been living. A student’s life is nothing compared to the hardships you’ll endure in the real world. When I was younger, just like you, and had to begin working for the first time, my father told me this, “Give it three years. No matter what happens, don’t give up and just stick it out. If you want to leave after those three years, then do. But, give it three years before you make the final decision to quit.” I worked hard for those three years. There were many difficult times that made me cry and want to quit more than anything. Afterwards, I thought, ‘Ah yes, now I can finally quit.’ However, those three years had changed me and I realized I could continue on. Also, because my superiors had seen me stick it out for three years, they finally recognized me and all the efforts I’d put into my work.

That’s the story my host mom wants me to remember as I leave this house. I will, partly because it’s a good story and partly because she twisted it towards the end. She essentially told me I’d fail at being a doctor because my selfish ways will lead my patients to suffering. She said that because I didn’t have the will to see this through, I am a failure.

Tell me. How would you respond to that?

Me? I smiled, nodded, and let her say her peace. After all, I’m leaving.

The only problem I’m facing with them now is money. Apparently, they’re “okay” with returning the money for the meals that I won’t eat here for the remaining month, but they want to deduct the price of the laundry machine that “I broke,” the 40,000yen wireless router that “I made them buy,” and the door that “I broke by using too much force.” I’m fine with paying for the laundry machine and the door, even though neither were really broken by me. As for the router, I feel like if I’m really dropping $400 on it, I ought to keep it, no? I mean, they are seriously wanting to charge me for it… so shouldn’t I be able to take it back with me?

Also, the laundry machine? Wasn’t broken! It’s actually broken now because now it no longer weighs the amount of laundry put into it and decides washing/drying cycles from there. The guy who fixed it fucked up because it doesn’t do anything that it did before. The Matsumoto’s thought it was broken because it would add time to a drying cycle in case the laundry didn’t dry in the calculated time. Now, this is a bit normal to me because my dryer is automatic as well and decides the drying time based on the amount of moisture in the clothes. Now, no matter how little or how much laundry I dry, the cycle is for 5 hours unless I input the time myself.

And the door? It wasn’t broken until my host dad tried to fix it. After his attempt at fixing it I had to use force to close the door or else it wouldn’t close. It was totally fine before that. This was a little bit before I left for Kyoto and came back, realizing how hard it was for me to close my door. But, because it was my door and my privacy at hand, I closed it anyways. This resulted in a number of small scratches on the opening of the door where I had to lift it in order to close it.

This money that they’re talking about isn’t mine. It’s my parents. My parents worked damn hard for that money, so eventually… I think I will have to talk it out with them. I’m tired of having this hang over me. Give me my peace and stop trying to screw me over. Honestly…

Oh well, I still think there is tons of hope in home stay in general. I got to spend the day today with Mia, her host mom Touhara-san, and Jeannette. Her host mom was amazing and took us to ride a boat from Hamamatsucho to Asakusa. After that she treated us to an amazing lunch with an incredible view in Asahi’s Beer Tower [I don’t know it’s real name XDD]. Mia talks with her host mom a lot, so Jeannette and I were bound to come up in the conversation from time to time. Her host mom talked with me a bit about me moving out of my home stay, and she said that as a host mom, things like that do happen and it’s very sad. She didn’t try to patronize me or make me change my mind, which I appreciated like none other.

After lunch we walked down to Asakusa and did the tourist thing for a bit. Her mom helped us get Mikuji [fortune papers] and because Jeannette and I got bad luck ones, we got to tie them to bamboo to help us get rid of the evilness of our fortunes. Mia’s host mom left us after that and we just walked around in circles for a bit, doing a little shopping for friends and family. We walked to Ueno station and had dinner there at the Rose and Crown Pub. Guess what we all got?! FISH AND CHIPS!!! It was awesomely yummy and ridiculously filling. We also all ordered drinks because… well, we’re just cool like that. *laughs* I drank a Suntory Premium Black Malt beer, Mia got the Moscow Mule, and Jeannette ordered the Sea Breeze. It just felt right after a long day of broiling under the sun all day.

Oh yeah, if I haven’t mentioned it before, summer is officially here and it’s abso-freakin-lutely DISGUSTING. It’s so humid that the moment you leave any un-air conditioned space, your face bursts into a sea of oil and sweat just floods out of all your pores. I hate it. But, it does make me appreciate dry heat all the more… so I’ll never avoid being outside in VA ever again. EVER!

I need sleepiness. I’m going to head out to Kyobashi tomorrow before going back to my host family’s house and finishing up my packing. I also need to confirm with Enplus when I’ll be available to sign the contract and get the key to my new apartment.

I’m nearly there. I think to celebrate, I should treat everybody to hot pot at that Chinese hot pot restaurant in Shinjuku. I went to the one in Shenzhen and Guangzhou a couple of times and loved it each time. It’ll remind me of home and doing something like hot pot/shabu shabu/sukiyaki with friends is always super fun.

Peace

- T

MOVIN' ON OUT~> TO THE EAST SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIDE XDDD

GOOD MORNING ALL~

Well, kind of, it's beastly beautiful outside, but also freakin' hot as anything so I'm hiding out on the first floor of the Matsumoto house. Speaking of which, attached to the end of this lovely blog entry will be the entry I wrote right after I told my host mom I wanted to move out and talked it over with my mom. Because that's already all covered... I'll start in with the photo.

It's not bakuhatsu nemuri or anything, but yeah, I was coming home tipsy from a night of fun with friends and strangers and there was this guy. He was just OUT. He also took up more than half the bench. I just couldn't help but smile. Everybody else on the seats around him made sure to clear plenty of space from him.

SOOOOO....

Moving on now. *laughs*

Yesterday was awesomely fun. I spent the majority of the day figuring out my housing options and have an apartment all lined up now. I'll be going into the office to pay for it on Tuesday or so, the move-out will take place Wednesday. I still have yet to go through the official last talks with the family, but it's supposed to happen some time tonight. Host mom is running out the door right now, even as I type this, so yeah... XDDD

After the apartment application was filled out, my ID cards scanned, and my life all squared away, I met up with D-Bang and met some new people, Su-an and Yukari, and saw some of her other friends I'd been introduced to before, Sergio and Wa-wa. We chilled in the shade for a bit because yesterday was beastly hot, but eventually we got moving to HARAJUKU! We did some shopping in Harajuku and I had my lunch/pre-dinner meal of a strawberry/chocolate ice cream/ cheese cake/pastry/whip cream CREPE. Oh yes... do be envious. *grins* I scored this awesome deal with a wonderfully blue hoodie for 1050yen! It was just plain ole hot so I ended up changing out of my red baseball tee into my white tank top with the hoodie over it.

We met up with Jeanette a bit laters and we all did some more window shopping. Pretty soon it was time for dinner at Wolfgang Puck's restaurant in Harajuku!!! AMERICAN FOOD!!! ON THE 4th of JULY!!! WHEEEEEE~ Motoi-kun from G-Splash who is was in Harupa's First Year Hip Hop group with me, Jen, Jeannette, and Steph came out too! Unfortunately, both Diana's and Jeannette's cellphones died at the same time, so I ended up texting everybody I had the address of in G-Splash for Motoi's info. It was a very interesting experience.... especially because I asked TONBO-SAN! He was really great about it and we tried to get him to come out with us to do fireworks, but it was a bust. Oh well... we'll just have to wait until camp!

Dan also came out to eat with us, and it's been like months since I've really seen and talked with him. We met up with a bunch of people, but because introductions weren't really done, I didn't know any of them. Well, I started off my meal with a 680 yen SAMUEL ADAMS *cheeeeeeeeeeses*. Bad luck for me, but I don't think it was brewed in the States. Still, I got the Puck Burger and it was delicious and meaty! I only ate half of it, but I got a good chunk of Jen's yummilicious BBQ Chicken wrap[?]. The other half of my burger went to Jen and Motoi. I'm really starting to doubt my "grub on" skills. Especially since Motoi took one look at my plate and was like, "Dude, that's huge, isn't it?" Me: "Yeah... it kind of is..." ^_____^ That's why he got a quarter of my burger. I used to be able to kill the 2 patty Five Guys Burger with no problem. The 4 patty heart attack burger from Wendy's? ATES IT! All you can eat hot pot at home? I ate for HOURS. Now? Not so much.

After we ate and talked for a gooooood looooong while, we were going to head to Shibuya's Don Quixote to buy fireworks, but the majority of us just wanted to drink and chill in Yoyogi Park, so that's what we did. We were there from like 9:30ish until 11:30ish or so, about 2 hours. With two cans of "strong" chuhai, I was able to get a decent buzz and be quite chirpy. I talked to Motoi about lots of stuff, but mainly about the sex culture in Japan and the differences between dating here and dating in America. Jeannette and Diana had schooled him on the culture of evangelizing Christians in America, the problems of Yellow Fever, and other such topics earlier in the restaurant. Me talking with him about why Japanese men stare at my chest when I wear tanks and such was like a joke. XD He's actually quite chill and I really liked hanging out with him.

Let's see, the day before yesterday, the 3rd is the blog that will be added on at the end of this entry. The day before that was WEDNESDAY and Tokyo Disney Sea DAY!!!!

I had a bomb blast time. That's about all I can really say about it. It's expensive as hell to get there and I didn't know about the student discount that would've saved me 1300 yen. But, I did get my awesome Stitch hat and my amazing Mickey visor. I also met some of Diana's amazingly super nice friends like Jackie, Rakellie, Rachel and Emily. Steph went too and I met her friend from VIRGINIA, Nicole. We ended up getting there around 1:30ish or so I think, but we stayed until they kicked us out. XDDD It was a great, long day. Please expect pictures when I can finally get a stable internet connection, which should be like Wednesday.

Okay... here's the entry you'e been waiting for:

7.3.08

Okay, so while these feelings are still fresh and vibrant within me, I need to drop them onto something. I’ve done it. I’ve finally told my host mother I wanted to move out, and I did it with a sad smile. But still, at least I smiled. I wasn’t trying to be mocking or anything, I just needed to smile to keep myself from screaming. Sometimes, at moments like this, when I’m somewhat settling down to the reality of moving out, I realize how selfish my request is.

Leaving after 3 months just because you can’t take it anymore? There’s only 1 month left! Hell, not even! There’s like 28 days left! What a waste! You can’t even get that final month’s worth of money back either! Geez… what are you thinking? How selfish can you be?

And to that, I can’t really say anything because it is reasonably selfish of me to want to leave, to waste my parents’ money like this, to not stick it out for the next 28 days. However, this experience was supposed to be for me to learn the language, the culture, the peoples… and I haven’t done any of that.

After I told Okaa-san that I wanted to move out, she gave me a sigh. I’ve essentially conditioned her to brace for whenever I want to speak to her one on one, because each time I’ve done it was to put my complaints out there. Maybe I’m nothing but complaints, but she knew. I let her speak after I said my peace because… I said my peace. Anything I try to say would just hurt her in the long run and I didn’t want that, so she went on a long spiel about how inconsiderate Americans are [as a people and traditionally speaking], how the family has also been holding back its comments on my behavior, and how my doing laundry really did peeve the absolute hell out of them.

She went on for a while about how because I was still young and ignorant, inexperienced in the ways of society, so I couldn’t be faulted for my shortcomings. She said that she wanted me to stay but could understand if I felt the need to go. She also put it out there that they’ll never host another student again [which I think is for the best].

I nodded and smiled the entire time, encouraging her to let her feelings out. She has a tendency of holding back that barb on me and she lashes out at me at the weirdest/most painful times, so I was just rather wishing for a frontal attack rather than a sneak. She said that she tried her best to see the good in me, because that’s what she does, she tries to see the good in people. I told her the same thing essentially. I’m leaving this house now before these feelings of pain and regret suffocate all memories of staying here. I want to walk away with only the good things that happened like all the delicious meals Okaa-san made, Otou-san’s weirdly random behavior, and Meimi just being Meimi. She told me that’d be impossible to do.

After she said that if I left it’d be a lose/lose for both of us, I told her it was a lose/win because I might be leaving, but I got to meet her, and she, being an essentially good person, is worth meeting. She corrected me, told me I was wrong, and said that I was essentially running away from my problems and not dealing with a situation just because I found it “iya [bad/no good/uncomfortable].” It was “iya” 2 months ago when I went to the Overseas Liaison Center and wanted to leave. Now it’s “kurushii [suffocating/difficult/painful].” I didn’t say that though, again, why hurt somebody who’s already hurting?

It’s over.

I’m out.

I called my mom right afterwards and in the midst of telling her about how much I’d need for an apartment, I broke down crying. Between regret for leaving and joy for finally going through with it, I was just torn. Apparently, she was just surprised I held in there for so long. I have a tendency of sticking through painful situations and trying to deal with them alone. I usually succeed, but the results are scarring. My mom had been curious why I’d stuck with it despite being more than ready to leave 2 months ago. I think it was my naiveté. I’m still young enough and not jaded enough to think that things gone super sour can still pick up. I want to believe in that light in the dark tunnel. I want to find that damn pot of gold at the other end of the rainbow. My cup? It looks pretty half-full to me. I tried. It just wasn’t meant to work out.

Oh well. Tomorrow is JULY 4th!!!! INDEPENDENCE DAY!!!

Apt isn’t it? On the day my friends and I will celebrate America’s independence, I’ll celebrate mine as well!

I need to sleep now because it’s late and I had only 5 hours of sleep the night before.

- T

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Voila. That's it. I'm sort of all blogged out now. Look for pictures soon. I'll be sure to update.

Love,

T