7.05.08
And so, the count down begins. I’m actually still really ridiculously tired even after the nap I had today, so I’m just waiting to be called on down for the final “talk.”
Today I went to see a Noh play with Geri and her friends. James, who’s this wonderfully nice guy from the U.K and is in my class, went too. I also re-met this guy named Pablo, who seems really nice and very funny, and Geri’s other friend, Erica, who actually lives in Chantilly and is from NOVA. I only made it through Kyogen and we left soon after the masks appeared in the Noh play. I was literally about to pass out and though I understood every 5 words or so, I just didn’t want to focus all that hard on being entertained. That’s why I like Japanese dramas, the acting is super good and the Japanese totally makes sense to me.
Well, after we walked out of the National Noh Theatre, I headed on home. I got back using a key, yes, I was left a key, and just chilled on the first floor for a long while, playing on my computer and watching television whilst enjoying the relief being in an air-conditioned room gave me. Meimi arrived home after me, so I got to open the door for her, which is super duper rare/I can’t remember the last time I ever did it, if I did. I took a nap at about 5ish, slept for lil bit, woke up, and now here I am.
I think I just heard my host father get home, and it is night time now. My host mom will probably text me to go downstairs. I’m just super tired, numb, and wanting this to be over.
It’s over. Next day, next round… last night was good at first, but my host mom kept pressing for solid reasons for why I wanted to leave and I couldn’t give them to her. Until she kept pressing and pressing, forcing me into a corner, making me give her a reason she could assent to. Literally, assent to as in [nattoku dekiru]. So, I finally told her about the common sense thing she said to me a month ago and all the comments she’d made to me about Americans, and me being an American [as if that were a bad thing].
I really tried not to hurt her feelings or the feelings of anyone in the house. My intention is to leave without injuring those who have taken care of me all these months. But, as I had apparently twisted her words as I heard them, she too has twisted mine. The official reason she is giving her family for my leave is that I hate her and that she is the original cause of all my strife. Turn about is fair play, but her doing that just makes me want to leave even more quickly. I don’t want to be in a household where I’ve come to be despised, I don’t need to deal with that.
I kept telling her that I liked her and her family, that I’m leaving now in order to walk away with just happy memories, but she couldn’t deal with that. Eventually she just straight up told me that it was a bother [meiwaku] for me to have misinterpreted her words. Her sense of responsibility forced all these scenarios out of her to explain why I might have been uncomfortable such as the fact that she’s a housewife and hasn’t really interacted in the world in a long while [not true because she does have friends and was just playing with them yesterday], or that she’s not selective enough with her words. Fact of the matter is, no matter how pretty you make something sound, the message behind it remains essentially unchanged. I guess, in me saying that, I acknowledge that some part of me hates her, as I am indeed leaving and all. However, I don’t actively hate her. Hating people takes a lot of time and energy out of life.
I kind of got done with hating people at the end of high school. I gave up on hate because as good as it feels to feel morally superior to someone else and whatnot, it’s just a super waste of time that accomplishes nothing. I’m human and all, but I don’t hate. I dislike, everyone does. What I feel towards my host mom has nothing to do with animosity or acrimony, I’m just weary of the entire situation.
I’ll accept this right now; I was probably not built for home stay. Some other people are, those who don’t speak the language well and want to have a base with which to learn and grow from, those who have lived with their families their entire lives and are used to the close-knit interactions that come with that, and those who are much more willing to change their entire lives to suit that of another culture’s.
I think I ought to begin packing. I have lots of stuff and not much time left. The money my parents wired should arrive by Monday. I will be signing the contract Tuesday. The apartment is reserved for my move-in on Wednesday. I have G-Splash practice on Tuesday from 5:45pm to 8 or so. I have class every morning from 9:15 to 12:30. The only thing that makes this week easier is a break from Modern Fiction on Monday. I have to catch up on homework and make sure I don’t fall behind because of this.
Whatever happens… fact of the matter is that I’m out.
One of the major causes of problems from last night’s talk was that my host family was sure that they could convince me to stay and was determined to do so, feeling that it was a sure win for them given enough time and thinking. I came to the talks with the reserve to leave at any and all costs. I admit it, half way through I wanted to change my mind and stay, but that’s what happened before. I’m like an abused wife, kind of, dangle the slightest bit of bait in front of me and the pain that’s been done to me is momentarily forgotten and all I want to do is return to the good times, except there were no good times.
Communication is key. Don’t hold back when someone asks for your opinion. If you have one, say it. Otherwise, you’ll end up like me, a cautionary tale of the bads of homestay.
I need to begin packing a bit now. I’m still waiting for Mia’s phone call. Hopefully, she’ll call me in time for me to escape lunch with the host family.
- T
And thus, here I am, to report the final round of “battle word play” with the Matsumoto family. My host mother has finally assented to letting me leave the house. Our final talk happened tonight, after I got home and was waiting for the shower. I kept trying to go in, but there was always somebody in there for the hour that I tried. That’s when I realized it was really weird and decided to get cracking on my packing. When I went downstairs to check if the shower was available at 9ish or so, my host mom met up with me on the stairs and called me on down to the living room. My host dad was already there.
The conversation went pretty much the same as all the other conversations before, except this time I didn’t even bother to try correcting her or telling her anything. She needed this talk a lot more than I did. She told me I was weak for not sticking it through. My parents did me wrong by not being there for me when I was growing up. I failed to endure/develop through this hard-won chance at home stay. I need to grow up, get a job, and take shit from strangers for 3 years before I’ll get recognized by them.
Well, no… I can say that in a much nicer, much less acrimonious way, and here it is:
One day, you’ll enter into the real world, and it won’t be as nice nor as kind as the life you’ve been living. A student’s life is nothing compared to the hardships you’ll endure in the real world. When I was younger, just like you, and had to begin working for the first time, my father told me this, “Give it three years. No matter what happens, don’t give up and just stick it out. If you want to leave after those three years, then do. But, give it three years before you make the final decision to quit.” I worked hard for those three years. There were many difficult times that made me cry and want to quit more than anything. Afterwards, I thought, ‘Ah yes, now I can finally quit.’ However, those three years had changed me and I realized I could continue on. Also, because my superiors had seen me stick it out for three years, they finally recognized me and all the efforts I’d put into my work.
That’s the story my host mom wants me to remember as I leave this house. I will, partly because it’s a good story and partly because she twisted it towards the end. She essentially told me I’d fail at being a doctor because my selfish ways will lead my patients to suffering. She said that because I didn’t have the will to see this through, I am a failure.
Tell me. How would you respond to that?
Me? I smiled, nodded, and let her say her peace. After all, I’m leaving.
The only problem I’m facing with them now is money. Apparently, they’re “okay” with returning the money for the meals that I won’t eat here for the remaining month, but they want to deduct the price of the laundry machine that “I broke,” the 40,000yen wireless router that “I made them buy,” and the door that “I broke by using too much force.” I’m fine with paying for the laundry machine and the door, even though neither were really broken by me. As for the router, I feel like if I’m really dropping $400 on it, I ought to keep it, no? I mean, they are seriously wanting to charge me for it… so shouldn’t I be able to take it back with me?
Also, the laundry machine? Wasn’t broken! It’s actually broken now because now it no longer weighs the amount of laundry put into it and decides washing/drying cycles from there. The guy who fixed it fucked up because it doesn’t do anything that it did before. The Matsumoto’s thought it was broken because it would add time to a drying cycle in case the laundry didn’t dry in the calculated time. Now, this is a bit normal to me because my dryer is automatic as well and decides the drying time based on the amount of moisture in the clothes. Now, no matter how little or how much laundry I dry, the cycle is for 5 hours unless I input the time myself.
And the door? It wasn’t broken until my host dad tried to fix it. After his attempt at fixing it I had to use force to close the door or else it wouldn’t close. It was totally fine before that. This was a little bit before I left for Kyoto and came back, realizing how hard it was for me to close my door. But, because it was my door and my privacy at hand, I closed it anyways. This resulted in a number of small scratches on the opening of the door where I had to lift it in order to close it.
This money that they’re talking about isn’t mine. It’s my parents. My parents worked damn hard for that money, so eventually… I think I will have to talk it out with them. I’m tired of having this hang over me. Give me my peace and stop trying to screw me over. Honestly…
Oh well, I still think there is tons of hope in home stay in general. I got to spend the day today with Mia, her host mom Touhara-san, and Jeannette. Her host mom was amazing and took us to ride a boat from Hamamatsucho to Asakusa. After that she treated us to an amazing lunch with an incredible view in Asahi’s Beer Tower [I don’t know it’s real name XDD]. Mia talks with her host mom a lot, so Jeannette and I were bound to come up in the conversation from time to time. Her host mom talked with me a bit about me moving out of my home stay, and she said that as a host mom, things like that do happen and it’s very sad. She didn’t try to patronize me or make me change my mind, which I appreciated like none other.
After lunch we walked down to Asakusa and did the tourist thing for a bit. Her mom helped us get Mikuji [fortune papers] and because Jeannette and I got bad luck ones, we got to tie them to bamboo to help us get rid of the evilness of our fortunes. Mia’s host mom left us after that and we just walked around in circles for a bit, doing a little shopping for friends and family. We walked to Ueno station and had dinner there at the Rose and Crown Pub. Guess what we all got?! FISH AND CHIPS!!! It was awesomely yummy and ridiculously filling. We also all ordered drinks because… well, we’re just cool like that. *laughs* I drank a Suntory Premium Black Malt beer, Mia got the Moscow Mule, and Jeannette ordered the Sea Breeze. It just felt right after a long day of broiling under the sun all day.
Oh yeah, if I haven’t mentioned it before, summer is officially here and it’s abso-freakin-lutely DISGUSTING. It’s so humid that the moment you leave any un-air conditioned space, your face bursts into a sea of oil and sweat just floods out of all your pores. I hate it. But, it does make me appreciate dry heat all the more… so I’ll never avoid being outside in VA ever again. EVER!
I need sleepiness. I’m going to head out to Kyobashi tomorrow before going back to my host family’s house and finishing up my packing. I also need to confirm with Enplus when I’ll be available to sign the contract and get the key to my new apartment.
I’m nearly there. I think to celebrate, I should treat everybody to hot pot at that Chinese hot pot restaurant in Shinjuku. I went to the one in Shenzhen and Guangzhou a couple of times and loved it each time. It’ll remind me of home and doing something like hot pot/shabu shabu/sukiyaki with friends is always super fun.
Peace
- T
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